May 10, 2003

I just made it through another anniversary of Adam's death. I don't think the work "anniversary" is appropriate for occasions such as these. "Anniversary" is something that is supposed to be a happy time. Either way, this year I think I did ok. I had my moment about a week before and so when the day came, I was either ok or numb.

As for my girlies, they each had their own, separate moment of grief. Rebekah's was a few days before his death date. Every year I never tell my girls what day is getting close - why would I want to torture them? But somehow, like clockwork, they each have their moments around the same time of year. Just a few days before May 10, I tucked the kids into bed and then went to my room to play on the laptop. About ten minutes go by and Rebekah is at my bedroom door, bawling. I scooped her into my arms and we cuddled on the bed. Through her racks of sobs, she said, "I miss daddy." I just held her and let her cry. It was hard on me because there was nothing I could do to make her pain go away.

Then May 10th comes along. Like I said, usually I don't remind the girls what day that is, but we got some flowers in the mail and they wanted to know why my mom sent us some. Plus they wanted to know why I told them to give Mawgers (Patti) extra hugs at school that day. (She works in Lily's classroom) So I finally told them. They seemed ok until bed time. Lily had me hold her while she cried and cried. Rebekah was ok since she had her moment a few days before.

Lily got hit twice though. You see, for about a week before the day, Lily said she was feeling sad but kept saying, "I don't know why I am so sad." I didn't feel like telling her.

Both my girls may not have known before the day why they were feeling down, but their little spirits knew what day was coming up even though their brains didn't.

I still can't believe 7 years have gone by. Thankfully it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. There are those moments when I feel the sting of being reminded that I went through the most difficult thing in my life. But then I feel the relief of knowing that I made it through that time of my life and became a stronger person because of it.

Rebirth | Celeste Johnson

Drip, drip, drip
Clouds letting go
Painful memories
Washed away
Sun comes out
Frown fades
Smile awakes
It's a new day