Life is a Dance

I have been trying to climb out from under the stuff in my life.  Stuff that I kept or let my daughters keep - as a security.  I don't know how or when my life became so overwhelmed with stuff, but I know it didn't happen overnight like I want to believe.

Yesterday started a huge, long process of gutting out my house - in hopes to simply my life more.  I started in the girls' room.  It will take me more than just a few days.  They had stuff in there they had as babies! Seriously, their room had almost no room to move around in.  It was like an episode off of Hoarders.

I filled up my van with bag after bag of stuff.  I crammed it full and took it down to the DI.  It felt so wonderful to let that stuff go.  I feel freer.  I feel better.  I feel carpet under my feet... That is an accomplishment if you know what that room looked like.

I keep thinking of why I kept so much stuff and why it became like a security blanket.  I still don't know fully why I have kept all that I have.  I have too many emotional attachments with stuff.  Every time I saw something that the girls played with when they were babies, my heart would start to ache - missing that brief moment in motherhood.  Plus, that was a time when their daddy was still alive.  That doesn't mean I am not happy with my life now, because I am.  But the stuff was a reminder of simpler times - times before heart-shattering moments.  Times when my girls were tiny, when they still looked up to me with their big eyes and open hearts.  That isn't to say they don't look up to me or have open hearts anymore - but back then I was Supermom and knew everything!

I am not saying I am baby hungry (ok, maybe a little) but I just really miss my little girlies.  They are growing up WAY too fast.  Rebekah is 12 and Lily is almost 11.  I am entering a whole new chapter in life - the teenage years!!  I have been in that for a few years now with Nate and Justin, but I have heard from many moms that teenage boys are WAY easier than teenage girls.  Which scares me because my mom cursed me with girls just like me.  So I want to say this to Karma - STAY AWAY! :)

Ok, I have lots more to do today.

July is Almost Over

It is crazy that July is almost over!!  This month has FLOWN by.  Between preparing for camp, attending camp, celebrating Bill's 40th birthday, going on the road with Bill, reorganizing my house (still in the process), trying to squeeze workouts in at least 3 times a week, and the Tupperware party last night, the whole month is gone.  The cool thing is that tomorrow is Sarah's baptism (my cousin's daughter) so the end of the month is ending with awesomeness! 

Today I am babysitting an adorable little baby named Lyla.  She is 7 weeks old and so itty bitty!  She seriously looks like she could be one of my own babies! 

In a few minutes, Rebekah's best friend (Alison) is picking her up to take her on the ward camp out.  I am bummed I can't make it but glad they offered to take Rebekah.  The reason we can't go is because I won't be home in time to be ready for Sarah's baptism.  So instead of camping tonight, the rest of us are going over to the Gerber's house and having breakfast for dinner.  Soooo excited! I am making buttermilk syrup and coconut syrup.  Plus french toast, bacon, and maybe some eggs.  Bonnie is making waffles. Yum!

Once again, my heart it filled with gratitude for the Lord's hand in preserving Bonnie's life.  She is one of my best friends.  Yay for Priesthood Blessings, faith, and prayers!

THE

THE (7/13/09)

The whoosh

The giggle

The pattering

The reach

The balloon

The chewing

The choking

The Heimlich

The call

The ambulance

The grass

The tears

The hole

The baby

The grave

Sad | Celeste Johnson

Today I cried and cried after I woke up. I have been off and on about wanting another kid. Between Bill and I, we have 4 kids. We haven’t been preventing pregnancy for over 3 years. Still, nothing. Adam and I tried for a year before he died. I just summed that up to the Lord knowing he was taking Adam home to him and it was in his mercy not to give me more than I could handle at that very difficult time in my life. As for now, Bill really wants another baby. Some days I do, others I don’t. I would welcome a baby no matter how I was feeling. However with my life now in a different stage (me going back to college and such) I am not sure what I would do. Then last night came. I sat there figuring out my cycle. I am quite regular. I was late. A couple days late. My heart started racing and I let myself get excited. Oh how happy I was last night. The thought of going through another miracle of carrying a developing baby in my body was very exciting. I debated on going to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to buy a pregnancy test. I was tired so I went to bed. I awoke and debated again on the Wal-Mart idea. I figured I could wait another day, to October first when I would be celebrating my 30^th birthday, that I could take the test then. Surely I was pregnant. I pulled my sleepy body out of bed, went to the bathroom, and my bubble was burst. I started. I wanted to crawl into the deep crevices of the Earth and hide. I settled for crawling into my warm bed, curled up to Bill, and started to sob. Without asking me anything, Bill woke up and started caressing my back and held me as I bawled. I knew he wanted to know why his wife was so distraught, but part of him already knew. I was hesitant to speak the words, “I am not pregnant,” because it would make it real, I wasn’t pregnant, and this wasn’t a nightmare I would be waking up from. When I finally conjured up enough strength to admit it out loud, I told Bill. He softly told me he was sorry and kept rubbing my back. I began crying again. I wept for a while. He just held me. I have come to terms with today’s sad events.

Earliest Memory | Celeste Johnson

I have a vivid first memory. I used to think it was a dream until one day I saw a picture. A picture of a little girl holding a thing that looked like a snot sucker (aka: nasal aspirator). Like a dam breaking, floods of memories came gushing back into my mind.

I remember sitting on a blanket somewhere up higher than my dad. There was a really bright light that occasionally flashed upon me. I loved the way the air rushed out at me when I aimed the toy at my face. It almost tickled. My dad was down lower, almost in the ground. It was dark down there, it scared me so I didn't look there often. The snot sucker was mesmerizing enough. I remember hearing my dad speaking to me. His words made me laugh. Time seemed very long. But I had my 'toy' to keep me occupied.

I pulled myself out of the memory long enough to realize that this picture was of me. I asked my mom about it. She told me that my dad wanted to do a photo shoot with me. I knew my whole life that my dad loved photography - which is probably where I get that same love from. She continued to explain that he had me sitting on the bed, playing with a snot sucker (guess that's where I get the term from). I wondered if my dad really meant for me to have it or if he did what most parent's do, let the kid hold the thing they are whining to hold.

Looking at myself, with chubby cherubic cheeks, my mind sucked me back into the past. I was so fascinated with that snot sucker, that my dad was able to capture me on film. I vaguely remember bright flashes of light. I would look up to see what it was, but would squeeze the bulbous toy and air would hit my face again. It would distract me and cause me to forget the flash I couldn't see anymore and go back to staring at my toy.

I blinked and was pulled out of my memory again. I asked my mom how old I was in this picture. She told me, "18 months." Wow, I never imagined I would remember the sights and feelings and thoughts of my 18 month old self.

Every time I see that angel, sitting on a bed, light brown hair all in disarray, holding that snot sucker, I smile and can almost feel rush of air on my face.