Sunday, September 30, 2007

Sad | Celeste Johnson

Today I cried and cried after I woke up. I have been off and on about wanting another kid. Between Bill and I, we have 4 kids. We haven’t been preventing pregnancy for over 3 years. Still, nothing. Adam and I tried for a year before he died. I just summed that up to the Lord knowing he was taking Adam home to him and it was in his mercy not to give me more than I could handle at that very difficult time in my life. As for now, Bill really wants another baby. Some days I do, others I don’t. I would welcome a baby no matter how I was feeling. However with my life now in a different stage (me going back to college and such) I am not sure what I would do. Then last night came. I sat there figuring out my cycle. I am quite regular. I was late. A couple days late. My heart started racing and I let myself get excited. Oh how happy I was last night. The thought of going through another miracle of carrying a developing baby in my body was very exciting. I debated on going to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night to buy a pregnancy test. I was tired so I went to bed. I awoke and debated again on the Wal-Mart idea. I figured I could wait another day, to October first when I would be celebrating my 30th birthday, that I could take the test then. Surely I was pregnant. I pulled my sleepy body out of bed, went to the bathroom, and my bubble was burst. I started. I wanted to crawl into the deep crevices of the Earth and hide. I settled for crawling into my warm bed, curled up to Bill, and started to sob. Without asking me anything, Bill woke up and started caressing my back and held me as I bawled. I knew he wanted to know why his wife was so distraught, but part of him already knew. I was hesitant to speak the words, “I am not pregnant,” because it would make it real, I wasn’t pregnant, and this wasn’t a nightmare I would be waking up from. When I finally conjured up enough strength to admit it out loud, I told Bill. He softly told me he was sorry and kept rubbing my back. I began crying again. I wept for a while. He just held me. I have come to terms with today’s sad events.

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