Life is a Dance

I have been trying to climb out from under the stuff in my life.  Stuff that I kept or let my daughters keep - as a security.  I don't know how or when my life became so overwhelmed with stuff, but I know it didn't happen overnight like I want to believe.

Yesterday started a huge, long process of gutting out my house - in hopes to simply my life more.  I started in the girls' room.  It will take me more than just a few days.  They had stuff in there they had as babies! Seriously, their room had almost no room to move around in.  It was like an episode off of Hoarders.

I filled up my van with bag after bag of stuff.  I crammed it full and took it down to the DI.  It felt so wonderful to let that stuff go.  I feel freer.  I feel better.  I feel carpet under my feet... That is an accomplishment if you know what that room looked like.

I keep thinking of why I kept so much stuff and why it became like a security blanket.  I still don't know fully why I have kept all that I have.  I have too many emotional attachments with stuff.  Every time I saw something that the girls played with when they were babies, my heart would start to ache - missing that brief moment in motherhood.  Plus, that was a time when their daddy was still alive.  That doesn't mean I am not happy with my life now, because I am.  But the stuff was a reminder of simpler times - times before heart-shattering moments.  Times when my girls were tiny, when they still looked up to me with their big eyes and open hearts.  That isn't to say they don't look up to me or have open hearts anymore - but back then I was Supermom and knew everything!

I am not saying I am baby hungry (ok, maybe a little) but I just really miss my little girlies.  They are growing up WAY too fast.  Rebekah is 12 and Lily is almost 11.  I am entering a whole new chapter in life - the teenage years!!  I have been in that for a few years now with Nate and Justin, but I have heard from many moms that teenage boys are WAY easier than teenage girls.  Which scares me because my mom cursed me with girls just like me.  So I want to say this to Karma - STAY AWAY! :)

Ok, I have lots more to do today.